


gordon's hero

by preach_electric



Category: HLVRAI - Fandom, Half Life VR But The AI Is Self-Aware
Genre: Dad Gordon, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Josh is mentioned - Freeform, M/M, Mentions of Blood, Mentions of Death, Trans Gordon, benrey's a lil piece of shit, gordon be having anxiety, gordon's got a big ol crush on benrey without realising, i haven't written a fic in so long i've forgotten how to tag things, mentions of scars, these bitches gay!, they hold hands and shit it's CUTE, touch starved gordon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-13 19:34:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29656233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/preach_electric/pseuds/preach_electric
Summary: Gordon's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day just got so much worse. He's fighting for his life, he's exhausted beyond compare, and, goddammit, he's touch starved.Maybe Benrey can help?
Relationships: Benrey/Gordon Freeman
Comments: 29
Kudos: 108





	gordon's hero

**Author's Note:**

> hi hi hi!!!! I haven't written a fic in forever, and quite frankly I didn't mean for this one to get so long lmao, so I hope this is vaguely good!!  
> this is the first time I'm writing for hlvrai despite having enjoyed it for months now, and I really hope you enjoy it.  
> thanks for reading!! :) x
> 
> p.s. if you wanna see some of my art, my instagram is @/pointlessnach0s <3

Black Mesa. Big facility, endless winding corridors, someone waiting to kill them (or, at least,  _ try  _ to kill them) around every corner. You know the place.

Or, as some people liked to call it: Gordon Freeman’s Worst Fucking Nightmare. 

(Turns out only Gordon called it that.)

It could have been days, weeks, or even three minutes since he’d been in there for all he cared, but Gordon wanted out no matter how long it had been. It was supposed to be simple! Go into work, do whatever evil-scientist-esque experiment they wanted him to do, go home knowing his PhD wasn’t being wasted, then order some shitty five dollar take out pizza to go with the shitty late night TV he loved to watch. Sleep, rinse, and repeat.

But no. Of course, it was never that easy. Now here he was, some unknowable amount of time after the Resonance Cascade, whatever the fuck  _ that  _ was, stuck with simultaneously the smartest and most insane group of people he’d ever known. 

He didn’t think that today’s work day would include a bunch of aliens trying to kill them, let alone Gordon having to fight them back. Before today the most immoral murder he’d commited was killing a wasp that had pissed him off at the park, but  _ now?  _ He didn’t wanna think about how much blood was on his hands. 

Even some of his team members had been toeing the line with death. They were somehow indestructible; no amount of injury seemed to bring them down. Instead, they just went about their day acting like all of this was fucking normal and that it was  _ completely  _ fine to have your entire being drenched in blood. Tommy’s face had been so covered that Gordon couldn’t even see his eyes! How the hell was the guy not  _ blind!? _ But he insisted that he was fine, and that he could still see, and Gordon couldn’t do anything but offer a med kit and accept that fact that he was surrounded by the most heavy-duty scientists he’d ever met. 

Maybe it was something they fed them in the cafeteria.

The one who confused him the most, however, was Benrey. Black Mesa’s most unorthodox security guard. He managed to attempt to enforce every single rule to Gordon whilst simultaneously breaking them himself. He was the most evil goody two shoes you’d ever meet. Not to mention the absolute  _ bullshit  _ he would spew- Gordon was always completely knocked on his ass everytime Benrey opened his mouth. He had this obsession with PlayStation, it always took him a second to process what anyone said to him, and he was hilarious without ever meaning to be. 

And, maybe the strangest thing about it all; Gordon found it endearing. 

He always caught himself laughing until he was breathless at Benrey’s antics, and, sure, he found himself pissed off beyond compare at Benrey just as often, but in a high stress situation like this, who wouldn’t? But he sure as hell wouldn’t let Benrey know that he found him funny, or God forbid let him know he found it  _ cute _ . The closest he would get to that was laughing at his jokes, and that was  _ it _ .

It was already bad enough without letting on the fact that Gordon was charmed by Benrey- even just this morning, Coomer had walked in on the two of them bickering, watched for a moment, before slinking off and chuckling something about  _ “young love” _ . 

Which was bullshit. Obviously. They’re not in love. 

Duh.

“Hey- uh- Mr- Mr Freeman?” Tommy’s voice cracked through Gordon’s thoughts, and Gordon shook his head slightly before looking up at him. He realised his face had been tensed up, so he relaxed his features so Tommy wouldn’t think he was mad at him. 

“Yeah, kid?” He said, rubbing at the back of his neck to try and ease his muscles. He seemed to have a perpetual crick in his neck, which was really just his luck.

“There’s, ah, things.” He pointed down the hallway, focused on a point just past where Bubby and Benrey were standing. Gordon squinted, trying to look through his scratched up glasses to where his finger was aiming. “And--”

“Where, man? I don’t see anything.”

“Well, they’re not here yet. You gotta- they’re coming. I can- uh- hear them.” Tommy nodded, smiling proudly at Gordon and Coomer, the two closest to him. “On accounts of all the soda. It’s- it’s real good for you, Mr Freeman!”

“It’s really not. Way too much sugar in them, dude. And I thought they were to help you  _ see _ , anyway? ‘See faster’?” Gordon paused a moment. “Wait- you can hear them? Fucking  _ who _ , do we need to run?”

“Well they’re- oh!” He pointed and waved energetically, smile on his face unwavering as he bounced up and down on the balls of his feet. “They’re here! Hi!!”

Gordon whipped his head and immediately laid eyes on the fucking marines. Camo uniforms, stupid little berets, and gigantic fuck-off guns in all their glory.

“Shit-  _ fuck-” _ Gordon practically choked on his spit trying to get the words out. “Run! Run, run run, God-”

As he scrambled to get his own gun, he grabbed onto Tommy and Coomer’s arms and practically shoved them down the hallway in the opposite direction. He didn’t know where it lead, but as long as they all made it out alive he didn’t give a shit. Bubby, ever the self preservationist, fled as soon as he heard Gordon curse and was already halfway down the hallway, grabbing Coomer as he flew past. Tommy happily ran behind them, long legs serving their greatest purpose and letting him leap and bound down the passageway like a dog running after a stick.

Gordon aimed up his gun and locked targets on the soldiers, chest heaving with adrenaline. He just wanted to fucking  _ live  _ goddammit, why was this all so  _ hard! _ He would rather be stuck in a shitty 9-5 where the worst he could complain about was a workmate stealing his fucking sandwiches from the office fridge. At least then he’d have a nice desk, a semi-comfy chair, maybe even free coffee. Put a few pictures on his desk, bring his favourite mug to work, join in on the Secret Santa every Christmas, it’d be  _ great!  _ Yet here he was, trying to murder the people who were probably the most experienced at murdering people. Fucking wonderful.

As soon as the sight on his gun was lined up with the head of a soldier, he pulled his index finger back and heard the loud  _ BANG _ of a bullet flying out. He didn’t stop to see whether or not it had landed on its intended target. He didn’t often like sticking around to see the aftermath. He’d already seen enough blood today.

He moved one by one through as many soldiers as he could, sending bullets flying and hoping they’d hit someone in just the right position to stop them from shooting  _ him. _ The recoil on the gun was hurting his hand from constant use over and over again and it was like scratching at a scar. It fucking  _ burnt _ . He needed to find a med kit after this, and fast. There was only so much the HEV suit could do with morphine injections.

“yo.”

Gordon jumped out of his fucking skin.

“What the  _ hell!?” _

“i said, yo.” The voice sighed. “damn, you deaf or somethin’?”

Gordon shot a look at the person standing right beside him, casual as ever. 

“Fucking Benrey, what the hell are you doing here!?” He looked back through his gun, now desperately trying to defend  _ two  _ people from the military. “I told you to run, you ass!”

“yeah, well. that ain’t my- uh- my style.” He was picking at his nails, getting the dirt out from under them. “benny doesn’t run. i’m not a coward. like some people.”

“They’re not cowards for running! It’s- dude, it’s literally the smartest thing to do! Do you-” Gordon paused to haphazardly change the clip in his gun, hands shaking as he aimed back up at the soldiers again. “Do you think  _ this  _ is a fucking smart idea? Trying to kill the military!?”

“iunno. you look kinda cool doin’ it, i guess. gun- ..gunman freeman. gordon freegun. gorgun--”

“I get it! I get it, Benrey. I got a gun.” Gordon pointedly looked towards the weapon and silently glossed over the fact that Benrey just called him cool. Not to get excited over a compliment that twelve year olds gave each other, but he couldn’t lie and say that it didn’t send a little rush through him. Either that, or he was about to have a heart attack from stress. Really, it could be either. 

Gordon had no idea how Benrey wasn’t dead on the floor right now. Gordon wasn’t the best shot, and he had definitely missed a couple of targets that were pointing guns right at them, but the HEV suit had covered him, mostly- a few bruises and sore spots littered over him would be the worst of it. Benrey, however, had a measly bullet proof vest and nothing else. His lanky body was completely out there, the perfect blob of mass to get hit by a bullet. In fact, Gordon was sure he saw a few of them flying straight towards him. And yet he was  _ still standing. What the fuck.  _

“Hey, Benrey, you- uh- you wanna maybe-” He cut himself off, cursing as he ducked from an onslaught of bullets behind a metal crate of whatever the fuck they keep stored around in Black Mesa’s corridors. “You wanna maybe get outta the bullets?”

Benrey had the audacity to think it over for a sec, finger coming up to scratch at his chin a little as he looked up to the ceiling. The worst thing was Gordon couldn’t even tell if he was joking or not. “i guess, yeah. not as fun, though. makes it more exciting if you up the stakes a lil- put it on hard mode, y’know.” He practically dawdled over to where Gordon was hiding behind the crate and crouched down next to him, nonchalantly adjusting the helmet on his head. “it’s more impressive if you win, then.”

“Well, y’see, the thing is,” Gordon was heaving against the side of the crate, pressing his face into the cool metal to try and cool him down from the astronomical levels of stress filling him. He still had his gun poised and ready if any of the marines had the balls to try jump him. “If I  _ lose _ , I  _ die. _ Like, forever, dude. No second chance. So, no, I don’t wanna play on fucking hard mode!”

“sucks. just respawn man. ‘s not that hard.” Benrey said as if it was common sense. 

“Normal people don’t respawn! They just- fuckin’- they just die, dude!” Gordon looked insane compared to Benrey sitting across from him looking as if he was at a calming picnic. “Don’t you have to deal with, like, mortality? Like, at  _ all!?  _ ‘Cuz I do, and it’s  _ terrifying!” _

Benrey was quiet for a second, seeming to be thinking over what Gordon had just said. He even tilted his head to the side for a second like a dog, eyes squinting just a little as he thought. “...you don’t respawn? that’s- mm.” He sniffed, looking to the side. “...not great.”

“No! It’s not!” So please-” He sighed, trying to calm himself down. He couldn’t believe that Benrey didn’t know that people actually  _ died  _ when they died. Surely he must’ve known by now, especially from the way Gordon had spent most of their time travelling around Black Mesa screaming and running away from the shit that would kill him. He knew Benrey was…  _ different _ , but he’d always assumed that he’d known how people work. It was surprising that he didn’t know about such a basic thing as death. Either that, or Benrey was the most convincing liar he’d ever met and was just pulling a fast one on him to mess with Gordon. “Please, just do as I say so we can both make it outta here without having to respawn or- god- die. Okay? Please?”

Benrey nodded slightly, almost nervously messing with one of the buckles on his guard vest. “...yeah. lead the way, gordo.”

Gordon let out a sigh of relief, body practically melting at the thought of Benrey being cooperative for once. “Thanks, dude. Just- we need to get outta here, and I’m running out of bullets so I’m not gonna be able to kill them all.” Gordon’s voice cracked on ‘kill’, not wanting a reminder of the fact that he was technically a murderer. He really didn’t like to dwell on it. “So, unless you got a way of taking them all out, we need to run. But actually  _ to _ somewhere- we can’t just run aimlessly away and hope for the best. Gotta know where we’re going.”

Benrey was nodding along, looking up at Gordon patiently while he spoke. It almost felt weird to Gordon to have Benrey actually paying attention to him and taking what he was saying to heart. He was mostly used to his inane comments or half assed attention served with a side of sarcasm, but this was something he could get used to. 

“makes sense. you- uh- don’t have a mini map, right?”

Gordon paused for a second, trying to decipher what he was saying. “If you’re asking me if I know my way around here, I don’t. Wasn’t my department.”

“aight. there’s- there should be a place down there.” He pointed in the opposite direction down the hallway, which was very conveniently badly lit with flashing lights and an ominous red glow coming from fuck knows what. Really made the whole place look safe and inviting. “i think, anyway. i didn’t- never came down here much. wasn’t my job- shift- place. but, like, loads’a floors are laid out pretty similarly ‘cuz the designers were lazy or something, and there’s a store cupboard with weapons and shit we can steal.” Benrey looked satisfied with his answer for a second, before hurriedly adding on; “not steal! you’re not allowed to steal. just- uh- i’ll take them. ‘cuz i can. ‘cuz i’m a guard. a security guard who needs weapons.”

If it wasn’t for the ungodly amounts of stress coursing through him, Gordon would be laughing at the panicked look in Benrey’s wide eyes. He settled on playfully rolling his own eyes instead. “Sure thing, bud. You- ah- .. ‘S it far to run?”

Benrey made a ‘so-so’ gesture with one of his hands, shrugging his shoulders a little. Gordon pursed his lips as he nodded, woefully looking over his shoulder in the direction of the marines. He chanced a peek around the corner of the crate, seeing them all poised and aiming towards them, almost serene in the way that they were picture-still waiting for the command to shoot. 

He heard a mumble from next to him, and whipped his head round to see Benrey almost cartoonishly crossing his arms with a pout on his lips. Gordon asked what he had said and Benrey unfurled himself, slightly raising his voice just enough for Gordon to hear, “fuckin’ boot boys.”

A surprised laugh worked its way out of Gordon, a loud ‘HA’ that instantly made him slap his hand over his mouth because, y’know, the fucking military was twenty feet away from them. 

“I never know what the fuck is gonna come out of your mouth, dude, but,” Gordon stage whispered at the slightly smaller man (alien?), as another musical laugh, albeit quieter this time, escaped him. “Yeah. Fuckin’ boot boys.”

Benrey eyed him up for a second before smiling at him, a toothy little thing with squinty eyes and the tip of his tongue sticking out just slightly. It kind of looked like an alien’s first attempt at a smile while they were rehearsing for a stage play about humans, but Gordon found it cute all the same. 

He’d never really questioned…  _ what  _ Benrey was. He certainly wasn’t all human, that’s for sure. Benrey had even told him the fact in some of the first few moments of them meeting, and even though at the time Gordon had assumed it was just a joke, the way he acted confirmed to him that it was very much  _ not _ a joke. But was he a whole ass alien? From a different  _ planet? _ Gordon had thought that maybe he’d come from Xen, or a planet similar, but compared to the rest of the shit that had come from there, Benrey looked  _ too  _ normal. If it was peeper puppy vs Benrey, he looked way more human than alien.

That’s not to say that he  _ was _ normal, though. His skin was practically grey, very little colour gracing him except from when he occasionally laughed too hard or ran for too long and the tips of his cheeks would get a little colour to them. It wasn’t quite a red blush like most people would get, but it was leaning towards being purple-ish in colour. And, of course, the weird…  _ shadow  _ on his face? It was always there no matter if the light would or wouldn’t cast a shadow from his helmet, and Gordon couldn’t understand it at  _ all _ . He hadn’t seen him without his helmet on many times or for too long, but the dark patch always stayed on his face. If it was particularly dark out, it would often look like it was blending into his hair, making him look like an inhuman silhouette from the nose up. Gordon supposed ‘inhuman’ was a pretty fitting word for Benrey.

He also found that his sclera were different colours, depending on the light. If it was a more natural light, not too dark and not too bright, they were just a normal greyed white, kind of blending into his skin if you only glanced at him. But if it was dark, working your way into the night, they were pale yellow. Like a damn cat. Gordon had assumed that it was something to do with the night vision that he probably fucking had, but he could never really be sure with anything about Benrey.

Gordon had also noticed something else about Benrey’s eyes- either that, or it was a trick of the light or exhaustion making him see shit- but whenever Gordon found himself close enough to the maybe-alien, in calm moments when he could easily focus on details, he thought he’d noticed that… his  _ pupils  _ changed colour whenever he used his sweet voice. Not to random colours, either; they always matched whatever orbs were floating out of his mouth as he sang his high pitched notes. Gordon hated to admit it, but… shit, it was pretty. Really pretty. 

Regardless, Gordon didn’t know what he was or where he came from. Maybe he was one of Black Mesa’s weird experiments? What if he’d- god- had some kinda fucked up tube like Bubby? Had he ever had a life outside of Black Mesa? He talked about his damn PlayStation all the time, so he either had a place of his own or somehow managed to sneak one into work and set up some weird kinda man cave somewhere in the winding halls of the facility. 

The thought of Benrey not having a home to go back to was so fucking sad to Gordon. Sure, he could be annoying sometimes, and Gordon certainly loved to curse him out a lot, but he still  _ cared _ about him. Was he just stuck here? Wake up, do his security shift, then just hang around by himself like a lost puppy somewhere in this dreary place? Well, maybe he latches on to someone and annoys the hell out of them by chatting nonsense for five hours straight, but  _ still…  _

Was this… all he had?

He and Tommy were pretty close, Gordon thought, so maybe he could ask him about it later? Not like he had any idea about how he could help, but… It wouldn’t hurt to ask.

This was all just a convoluted way to say that Gordon thought about Benrey a  _ lot. _

“So, can you- ah-” Gordon mused over how to phrase the question without it seeming like he was giving Benrey all the power in this situation, then slumped down slightly as he realised that he might as well let him take the lead for a hot second. He was the most knowledgeable right now, anyway. “D’you wanna take the lead? Just- just show me the way to that storage room or whatever, then I can get my bearings and figure out what the fuck we’re gonna do next. We- God- we have to find the others…”

Gordon started rambling to himself about all his worries, listing off everything that they’d have to do before they could go home. That was assuming that they’d  _ get  _ home, and not just… die here. Benrey only picked up on a couple of words, only half listening as he was figuring out how he was gonna get the two of them away from the military.  _ ‘Survive’, ‘Joshie’,  _ and  _ ‘home’. _

“yo- uh, benrey to gordon? please and thank you?” He snapped his fingers a couple of times in front of Gordon to catch his attention, and it was like a switch was flipped inside of him as he immediately stopped rambling and looked up at Benrey. His face was quickly painted with a sheepish smile, trying to look anywhere but Benrey’s eyes.

“Sorry, dude. Anxiety spiral. I’m just,” He huffed out a breath, rubbing the back of his neck as much as the HEV suit would allow. “Stressed. Y’know?”

He was surprised when he saw Benrey look at him with something similar to apologetic empathy, nodding a little as he scratched an itch that was under his helmet. Gordon saw a peek of jet black hair poking out from under the metal. “yeah. i get it. shit sucks.”

Gordon looked at him for a second before nodding along with him. “Yeah. Shit sucks. It’s- you don’t-” He paused, thinking about how to ask without sounding like he was prying. “You get anxious too?”

“oh, all the time dude. get the hand shakies sometimes, it’s sick.” He spoke as if he was talking about the weather, completely casual and with his signature monotonous tone. “i see you do too, but you don’t try to hide it.”

Gordon could tell he wasn’t being accusatory or anything, simply stating a fact. Telling Gordon his observation. “Nah, I never really try to hide it, man. Just makes it harder to deal with, I guess. Like, it’s hard to make something go away if you’re trying to act like it’s not there, y’know?” He didn’t know where this confidence to confess about his struggles were coming from- to  _ Benrey _ , no less- but he couldn’t deny that it was a little cathartic to actually talk about it for once. With someone who apparently understood. “...So you  _ do  _ hide it?”

“huh? oh. yeah. ‘s like… i’d be a kinda shit guard if i let people know i was stressed or whatever. totally not cool. not an epic gamer move.” Gordon cringed at the way he phrased it, but let him carry on talking nonetheless. “so i just. pretend it ain’t there. poof. gone. and like, it works. obviously. ‘cuz feetman over here couldn’t even tell. ha.”

“You know you can like. Not do that? You’re allowed to show stress or whatever. You’ve seen me do it enough times. ‘S not good to keep shit locked up, man. It never helps in the long run.” 

Benrey eyed him up like he was lying, eyes squinting at him and his lips in a thin line, and then he just hummed in what Gordon assumed was his way of ending the conversation before looking over his shoulder, shifting his focus onto the hallway instead. He started mumbling something to himself, and Gordon could pick a few words out that made it sound like he was starting to formulate a plan of how to escape. 

Very rare of Benrey to think before he acted. 

Gordon waited patiently however, letting Benrey do whatever. He was the one that was gonna get them outta this mess, anyway. 

As he sat there on the cold concrete (not like he could tell through the thick metal of the HEV suit, but he highly doubted Black Mesa would splurge on heated flooring), he noticed a little movement in the corner of his eye that caught his attention. Benrey’s hands, resting on his knees as he was sitting cross legged on the floor, were shaking slightly. 

Huh. So he  _ does  _ trust Gordon. Or, at least to show a little vulnerability in front of him. Gordon felt his chest puff up a little at the idea that he got through to Benrey, putting it down to the Caring Dad Voice he’d perfected. 

But now he didn’t know what to do. Should he say something? Give him a big fatherly slap on the back and tell him ‘good for you’? Should he ask him about it? A gentle ‘are you okay, man?’. Or maybe he should just ignore it, and let Benrey bring it up if he wanted to? Should he tell him that he’s proud of him?  _ Is  _ Gordon proud of him? He guessed so. What else other than pride would you feel when your strange little alien friend let himself be himself in front of you? 

Gordon instead settled on giving Benrey a firm pat on the shoulder, rubbing at his skin through his shirt and vest carefully for a second and giving him what he hoped was an affirmative smile. He withdrew his hand and hoped it conveyed whatever message he wanted to get across.

Benrey just stared at him blankly. “uh. thanks? i think?”

So much for trying to make a sentimental moment.

“Uh- yeah. No problem.” Gordon wanted to shrivel into a hole. “So, ah, are you ready? You know where we’re going?”

Benrey nodded, straightening his helmet. Gordon wanted to feel as prepared as Benrey looked, so reached up to straighten his own helmet only to be met with the reminder that he didn’t own one. So, instead, he tightened his ponytail slightly and squared out his shoulders.

“okay. plan of action. you got a grenade still?” Gordon nodded and fished one out, gingerly passing it to Benrey who was waiting with an open palm. “thanks. ‘m gonna blast them with this and while they’re distracted we run the other way. i hope you were good at track in highschool, ‘cuz we’re probs not gonna have super long til they start coming after us. buuuut, ‘m hoping we’ll be long gone before they can figure out where we went. maybe in the storage place thingy already.” Benrey started giggling, his eyes creasing shut as he let out soft little cackles. “we’ll- heh- we’ll be like- like y’know- in- in looney tunes-”

“ _ HAH-  _ oh man, like Wile E. Coyote and Road Runner!? Shit, that’s funny, dude.” 

“i’ll be so disappointed if they don’t get murked like that dumbass coyote.” Benrey gestured to the military over his shoulder, cackles dissipating. “ready to gor- _ go?  _ don’t need to do some- uh- stretches? work your hams or whatever?”

“Ham _ strings _ , dude, and no. Honestly, I think if I try pop a squat right now I’ll never get up. This suit’s so fucking stiff sometimes.”

“y’could just take it off. probs not now, bullets and shit. but later.” Benrey shrugged, getting up off the floor but still making sure that he wasn’t in view of the guns.

“You know how to do that?”

“ya. it can’t be hard. either that or brute force. last one there’s a lil nerd.” And with that, Benrey popped the pin out of the grenade and unceremoniously threw it over his shoulder. He started pegging it in the opposite direction like a cat running away from a vase he just knocked off a table. He ran extremely fast for someone whose voice made out that he had no energy ever. All Gordon could do was scramble to follow him, legs barely working properly for a moment as he pushed himself off the floor before breaking into a sprint, haphazardly pushing his glasses back onto his nose and cursing himself for smudging them with whatever gunk was on the gloves of his HEV suit.

His legs moved quicker than his brain could keep up with, trying not to think about it lest he just fell flat on his face and ate shit in the gross ass hallway. He tried to remember what the typical protocol was- should you run in a straight line or zig zag forward when trying to avoid bullets? Fuck if he knew, so, Gordon mentally shrugged and followed what Benrey was doing; going wherever his feet landed in front of him.

It was hard to keep up with Benrey with a clunking metal suit on his back, joints nowhere near as lubricated as they needed to be for this mini marathon he was running. To be fair, it wasn’t built for apocalyptic situations, and it certainly wasn’t built to be worn for as long as he’d been wearing it. Gordon was honestly surprised that it hadn’t just conked in yet, but was eternally grateful that it still functioned. Without it he’d just be some vulnerable hunk of meat running round an alien infested facility. 

Which is essentially what he was now, desperately galloping behind Benrey to keep up with him. He could hear the military yelling and screaming at them, almost as loud as the bullets firing out of their guns. He could also hear the sound of them hitting the walls and floor behind them, the loud  _ CLANG  _ and  _ BANG _ s of metal hitting concrete. 

His breathing was wild, erratic gulps of air going in and out, mouth open wide as he ran to get as much oxygen in him as humanly possible. He was glad Benrey was in front of him, because he was almost certain that he looked like an idiot running like a dog after a stick. 

His hand had a death grip on his crow bar, almost able to feel the cold metal through the thick gloves on his fingers. Sometimes, if he tried hard enough, he could imagine what the breeze felt like on his skin. The warmth of fire radiating on him, or the feel of rough concrete as he ran his hands along the walls. Or, while he was laying on the floor at night trying to sleep, he could try  _ extra  _ hard to imagine what it would feel like to get the dirt on the ground stuck underneath his fingernails. To have to go through the tedious task of picking out the clumps of shit out, to be able to feel the relieving feeling of finally having clean nails, being able to wash them under warm flowing water with bubbly soap suds and a soft towel after to dry them. Or a  _ shower _ . God, Gordon practically dreamed of the day he could shower again. To take everything off, every layer, the orange hunk of metal, the undersuit, his binder, his pants,  _ everything,  _ to feel the spray of water on his skin, the steam rising around him, all the grime and dirt washing off his body, his long hair sticking to his neck and back as it saturated with water, shampoo and conditioner scrubbing onto his scalp, fingernails scratching _ just right _ , wrapping up warm in pyjamas and a blanket when he was done. Being able to stretch out without anything restricting his body. Just being able to have skin touching skin, uninterrupted contact that he  _ craved- _

“ _ ow! _ hey- the fuck-” Benrey’s irritated voice rang out. 

Gordon blinked. He’d ran right into his back. He blinked once more, and looked around. 

Oh. They’d made it to the storage room. 

“watch where you’re going man, the hell…” Benrey grovelled, scowling at him and crossing his arms. “i do this nice thing for you and you say ‘thank you’ by battering into me like a tank, so impolite dude, where’re your manners or somethin’...”

“I- uh…” Gordon shook his head, trying to fish himself out of the fantasy he’d got himself lost in. He looked around the room, finding himself in a reasonably small storage space. There were cupboards and shelves lining the walls, all filled with a stupid amount of weapons; guns, grenades, tasers, and some shit he had  _ no  _ idea what it was. He looked back to Benrey, who was now leaning nonchalantly against a wall. “Sorry. I, um- ...I was thinking about a shower?”

Benrey just looked at him, before stepping into his personal space and sniffing the air lightly with a cheeky grin. “yeah, you do kinda stink bro. stinkman. lil stinky baby.”

Gordon pushed at him playfully, a bashful laugh escaping him. “Shut up, man. I’ve had as many showers as you’ve had this whole time. I could say- uh- Benrey… Ben-... Stink-rey. There.  _ Ha. _ ”

“woah, sick one dude. gonna have to watch out, this guy’s quick wits could kill you. ‘stink-rey’. who woulda thought of that.”

Despite everything, Gordon was doing a full body laugh now, giggling along with Benrey. “You’re so fuckin’ mean to me man. I think- I think considering how stressed I am that’s not  _ that  _ bad of a joke!”

“yeah, you’re right.” He said, looking Gordon up and down. “you’ve made way worse.”

Gordon ended the conversation by punching Benrey in the arm, who replied by cackling menacingly as he let himself fall to the floor to sit down. He always sat like a polite kid, legs crossed and back rod straight like he was paying attention to class. It was no different this time either, and Gordon slowly lowered himself down next to him, HEV suit clunking as he landed on the floor. 

He ran the end of his crowbar back and forth along the floor in thought, enjoying the noise it made as it scraped along the concrete. He thought about how it would feel to be able to actually feel the concrete on his bare hands, gravel and dirt and dust playing on his tired skin. Or if he could just lay down on the floor and suck up all the coolness from it, the HEV suit acting like a permanent sauna around him. 

Hey-- actually--

“Benrey, you- uh-” Gordon kept moving the crowbar back and forth, noticing that Benrey was tracking its movement with his eyes. “You said you could get the HEV suit off?”

“wuh- oh. yeah. maybe?” Benrey looked up at Gordon now, removing his helmet and thunking it down next to him carelessly. He shook his head out to get rid of the hat hair and it made it look like some strange jet black lion’s mane. Gordon was always pleasantly surprised at how nice Benrey’s hair looked- it was always somehow clean and not at all greasy, and aside from it being a little like a bird’s nest, Gordon  _ really  _ wanted to run his hands through it. Without any gloves in the way of feeling how soft it was, though.

“Only maybe?” His voice was tired as he asked, realising he may have gotten himself too hopeful thinking he’d be out of the metal prison for a little while.

“yeah, soz bro. it- uh- I dunno if I’ll be able to get the whole thing off without breaking it. don’t have the uh. the special key or whatever. haven’t done that side quest yet.” He said, scratching his head. “let’s pop open that hood bro.”

“D’you have to word it like that, man…” Gordon huffed, shuffling on the floor so that his back was facing Benrey. He did feel kinda like Benrey was about to play some dumb school prank on him, like tape a paper on his back that said ‘dummy’ or something, but at this point he couldn’t even find it in him to care. As Coomer would say, it was just one of Benrey’s classic pranks.

He waited patiently for a moment, giving Benrey time to start doing… whatever it was he was gonna start doing. How the hell do you even take one of these suits off, anyway!? He’d never bothered to pay attention when he was having it removed before. He’d just let the probably underpaid team hurriedly work around him to carefully take it off while he stood there and wondered what take out he was gonna have that night. That MIT education was really worth it.

He saw rather than felt Benrey lightly slap his shoulder before smugly saying, “you can fit so many gordons in this bad boy.”

Gordon couldn’t help but snort a laugh, shaking his head as he turned to smile at Benrey. “You’re so fucking dumb.”

Benrey just grinned and agreed, “yeah.”

Benrey flicked his face to get Gordon to sit back how he was, so Gordon obliged and sat forward again, staring at a few pieces of gravel on the ground. It was almost like he was playing connect-the-dots, seeing what shapes he could make. The best he could do was some weird looking cat that, after staring at it for a few seconds longer, actually looked more like a fucked up horse.

He could hear Benrey tapping and poking and flicking away at the HEV suit behind him, assumedly having opened up a panel Gordon wasn’t aware of. He had no idea if Benrey actually knew what he was doing, but he probably had more of a clue than Gordon ever would. Besides, Gordon couldn’t reach his own back.

He heard Benrey grumble something under his breath, clanging at something and hitting the panel on his back with a more force than earlier. He kept going, hitting so hard that it nudged Gordon forward. He whipped his head round, trying to check that he hadn’t put a dent in him or something. “You, uh, you good there bud?”

Benrey’s face was stern, eyebrows furrowed and mouth in a harsh line as he stared intensely at one spot on his back. He was silent for a second, looking like he was thinking something over, before turning his gaze up to Gordon’s and changing his expression to one of slight guilt, not quite catching his eyes. “...it won’t open.”

Fuck. 

Gordon felt himself slump in disappointment. 

_ Fuck. _

“it- uh. it needs a- a key. or something. special key. to open. and i don’t- ...no key for benny.” He mumbled out, awkwardly shifting where he kneeled on the floor.

Gordon took a shaky breath in, held it for a second, then let out a deep sigh. He did that a few more times, trying to will away the disappointment and hold back the tears that were threatening to spill out of his eyes. It felt  _ pathetic _ . Wanting to cry over a dumb bright orange hunk of metal. 

...But he was upset. He’s allowed to  _ feel  _ things, he told himself. Like he said to Benrey before, it’s a shit idea to keep things locked up, especially when you find yourself in the middle of a damn alien apocalypse. 

So- he thought- fuck it. Fuck it! He can cry if he wants. Maybe it’d be a little cathartic to let the waterfalls flow outta his eyes. 

Fuck. It.

“oh- uh- you- i think you’re leaking, bro.” Benrey sounded nervous as he shuffled to kneel in front of Gordon. “are you- ‘s that normal? i don’t think people are s’posed to leak.”

He reached out a hand and poked a finger to Gordon’s cheek, bringing it back and inspecting the wetness. Gordon silently watched him, tears slowly rolling down his face as he quietly cried. He was very grateful for the fact that he wasn’t full on sobbing. He didn’t want to have to explain that to Benrey.

The alien hesitantly sniffed at his finger as if that would answer any of his questions, quizzically looking at the tear that threatened to drip off the tip of his index. Then, without warning, he raised the finger to his mouth and stuck his tongue out.

“N-no!” Gordon slapped his hand away from his face, using a gloved hand to haphazardly wipe away the wetness from his face. “Don’t- don’t fucking lick it man, that’s gross.”

“oh. soz.” Benrey shrugged, putting his finger back to Gordon’s face and wiping it back on his cheek. “you- uh. why?”

Gordon sighed, moving to slump against a shelving unit just behind him. “Crying. Tears, dude. Y’know, sadness.”

“oh. right.” Benrey nodded, pausing for a moment before shuffling to sit next to Gordon. “cuz you can’t get naked?”

“That’s not-!” Gordon slapped a hand to his face, rubbing at his temples. Christ. “I don’t wanna get fucking  _ naked _ , man! I just wanna get out of this fucking  _ suit _ . Feel something on my skin other than this shitty thing, like- like  _ wind _ or  _ water  _ or- fuck! Or even just more skin! I need to- I need to touch something, I need to hold something and actually  _ feel  _ it, know if it’s hot or cold, if it’s rough or if it’s soft, feel some damn  _ texture!  _ I’m- I’m so fucking done with this shitty fucking suit, man. I wanna rip it off and never look at it again, I’m never wearing gloves again in my life- I-I swear to god the second I get home I’m living in my  _ fucking boxers!”  _

Gordon’s chest heaved. He wasn’t supposed to let that much out. Shit.

Benrey was uncharacteristically quiet next to him, staring down at his hands in his lap. Great. Gordon broke Benrey. 

“I just…” Gordon hesitantly started. “I’m just tired, man. I’m not built for this shit.”

Benrey stayed silent, but was now staring at Gordon’s hands instead. 

“‘S not your fault, man.” Gordon knocked his elbow into Benrey’s, bumping him gently. He put on the Dad Voice again, though this time it was significantly shakier. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll- I’ll get out of this suit eventually. Nothing’s forever, right?”

“i can do the gloves.” He said quietly. He didn’t look away from Gordon’s hands.

“...Huh?” 

“the- uh- gloves. i can-” He held his hand out, waiting for Gordon to give him his hand. He tentatively placed one of his wrists into Benrey’s grip, and carefully watched what he did.

Normally rough and uncoordinated hands worked gently at his wrist, pressing buttons and twisting screws and flicking small panels until finally,  _ finally, _ he pulled the glove off.

Gordon stared down at his hand. His  _ hand _ , not glove.  **_Hand_ ** . 

He could see his skin- he could see the sweat, the dirt, the grime, the red marks where the suit had rubbed him raw, the creases of his skin, the old cuts and scars, the  _ new  _ cuts and scars, the hairs of his arm peeking out above his wrist, his short fingernails that desperately needed a clean. He could- he could feel the air in the room, the  _ cool air  _ of the room that washed over him, that flowed between his fingers and danced over his knuckles, that even teased to go down the arm of his suit if it wasn’t for the tight seal surrounding his wrist.

He flapped his hand slightly, wanting to feel more- and- and, shit- and it felt so  _ good-  _ he did it again, he did it harder, he did it faster, he felt his hand flying through the air and it was like there was  _ wind,  _ like he was  _ outside _ , and he could almost imagine the sun- the- the warmth of the sun and the heat of its rays and birds chirping as they flew past and leaves rustling in the breeze and the grass under him and the dirt under the grass and the- and the-

He thrust his other hand to Benrey, too overwhelmed to even say anything, but his limbs were shaking as he desperately waited for him to remove the other glove. Benrey eyed him up and down before doing the same to this wrist, tapping and screwing away until he slipped the glove off once more.

Gordon must have looked mad. He was staring down at his hands with a crooked grin on his lips and tears falling from his eyes. He must’ve looked mad- but, god, he was  _ happy _ .

He slammed his two hands together like he would die if he didn’t, intertwining his fingers and rubbing skin over skin. He felt at his nails, at the cuts, at his knuckles, at the hair. He felt the soft palms and the roughed up everywhere else. The warmth radiating off him, seeping from one hand and going into the other.

It felt like fucking  _ heaven _ .

He turned to Benrey with wide eyes, and with a shaky voice he let out the most genuine “ _ thank you _ ” he had ever said in his life. 

Benrey looked overwhelmed. Gordon doubted he’d ever seen a touch starved man go crazy for the tiniest bit of contact on his hands, and he was almost  _ certain  _ that Benrey would have no idea what to say. Truth is, Gordon didn’t give a damn about what would come out of Benrey’s mouth next. He could say ‘you’re welcome’, or some dumb Freeman pun, or he could stay completely silent, and Gordon would be entirely content. 

What he wasn’t expecting, however, was for Benrey to ask, “wanna hold my hand?”

He was kidding, right? Like, that was just one of Benrey’s weird jokes? Gordon would say ‘okay’ and then he’d pull his hand back and cackle a laugh and say ‘gordon gayman’ and then it’d just be over?

But… Benrey sounded genuine. He’d never sounded genuine in his life. There was always a teasing lilt to his voice, a cheeky smile and a sparkle to his eye that just made it so obvious that he was playing. This time, his voice was low. Steady and actual and oh,  _ god _ , Gordon just couldn’t bring himself to care anymore. 

He didn’t even say anything as he grabbed Benrey’s hand from where it was sitting in his lap, completely and utterly melting into the touch. He intertwined his fingers with Benrey’s, lacing them together to get as much contact as possible, gripping on tight like he could never let go. 

He heard Benrey make a noise of surprise, a small ‘wuh-’ escaping him as he processed what just happened. After a few heart thumping seconds, Benrey’s hand squeezed Gordon’s lightly and he held on. 

Gordon couldn’t bring himself to look at Benrey’s face just yet. This- this was already a lot to take in, the gloves and the contact and holy  _ shit  _ he was holding Benrey’s  _ hand  _ he was holding the  _ cute alien’s hand  _ and he-

“yo, this is like- uh- it’s like-“ Benrey’s voice cut through the silence. He smacked his lips in thought. “six minutes in hell.”

Gordon blinked.

All reservations thrown completely out of the window, Gordon looked up at Benrey with confusion clear on his face.

“Seven minutes in heaven?”

“same thing.”

Gordon just stared at him blankly before letting out one incredulous ‘ _ ha! _ ’. Benrey’s face morphed into that crooked, not quite right looking grin and, fuck, if Gordon didn’t want to kiss him silly. He didn’t even try to hide the fondness off his face anymore, staring at Benrey with what was probably the most obvious heart eyes ever.

“first you leak bro and now you’re like, bright red. like a fire truck.” Benrey prodded Gordon’s cheek with the hand that wasn’t wrapped around his own and made a quiet  _ ‘waahhhh’  _ as if impersonating the fire truck. “i think you’re broken bro. mhm. doctor benny says you’re sick. better not be contagious or somethin’.”

Gordon just smiled and thumped his head back on the unit behind him, still tightly gripping onto Benrey’s hand.

Benrey shifted his head forward slightly so that he was in Gordon’s range of vision. “yo, are you actually sick? you look all out of it and shit. benrey to gordon?” He waved his free hand in front of his face, and Gordon was half tempted to grab that one too.

“I, uh…” Gordon shook his head slightly, trying to focus on saying something. He had no idea  _ what _ , but he figured he should at least attempt to get something out of his mouth. He absentmindedly ran a thumb across the back of Benrey’s hand, not even realising he was doing it. All he cared about was that he could feel something under his own touch. “I hope you meant it. The- ah- offering your hand. Otherwise this is gonna be- it’s gonna be awkward, huh?”

“i’m a great cool, ‘course i meant it.” Benrey beamed as he sat there, looking proud of himself. “...are you sick, though? like, in the bad way. not  _ ‘yooo that’s sick brooo’. _ ”

“N-no, no, just- ...ah man, how do I say this.” Gordon rubbed the back of his neck ( _ holy shit he could feel his hair _ ) and mused over it for a second. Fuck it. “Y’ever heard of ‘touch-starved’?”

“you hungry? wanna get some uh- some freesh fries? can i take your order please and thank you?”

“I mean, shit, I wouldn’t say no to fries right now,” Gordon said, laughing as he mulled over his next sentence. “But no, it’s- it’s like… man, I don’t know. I’ve been stuck in this suit, right? For- for however long it’s been, and I haven’t touched literally  _ anything  _ the whole goddamn time, right? And- god, don’t laugh or anything- even before that I wasn’t exactly getting hugs and shit on the daily or whatever. So I kinda just- ...really need to touch shit. Feel something on me that isn’t these gloves or this fucking itchy undersuit. And- and, I mean, yeah, I guess I am hungry for touch. And you’re right there, offering your hand, so…” Gordon trailed off, hoping any of that made any damn sense to Benrey.

“so…” Benrey mimicked, smirking a little as he looked to Gordon. “i saved the day? gordon’s hero?”

The fond laugh that came out of him was completely on accident, he’d swear it. “Sure. Gordon’s hero. Why not.”

Then they just sat. It wasn’t uncomfortable, it wasn’t awkward, it just…  _ was _ . Just Gordon and Benrey sitting on the floor of some shitty little storage cupboard, surrounded by grime and covered in blood, and he was holding hands with some strange little maybe-alien, and this was the most normal Gordon had felt in a long time. Fuck knows what that said about his life. 

He didn’t even think about it. He just thunked his head onto Benrey’s shoulder and moved his free hand to hold onto Benrey, breathing calmly and letting himself enjoy this moment of calm. He could worry about it all later. 

The last thing he saw before he closed his eyes was pale pink and blue bubbles rising into the air, dancing through the room and popping on the ceiling. 


End file.
